S.A.D.?

January was a long month. Just look at your calendar. It looks like it's a whole week long than February, even though 31 is a mere three days more than 28. It feels like a whole week longer when day after day looks gray and frigid.

 

The string of cloudy days happened to coincide with a little virus we had going around - a bug that I didn't realize I was fighting. Yes, I had a bit of a sinus headache (typical), but mostly I was zapped of energy. I wanted nothing more than to curl up on the sofa under a blanket, stare out the window, and become invisible. This window, this view -

(I could stare at this pine tree all day)

If I had to get up, I certainly did not want to respond to requests or crises. My fuse was insufficient for my tasks at hand. I thought I had S.A.D., and I probably did, and I lacked the energy to do anything beyond my normal measures: SAM-e, fish oil, B vitamins, vitamin D.

Obviously, homeschooling mothers cannot behave in this self-serving manner for very long. We have duties. Obligations. Meals to make, tests to grade, read alouds to read aloud, and kids to take to ballet and music lessons.

Eventually, the arctic sun returned (yes, we even love arctic sun in Minnesota) and by that time I felt better, but my kids were coming down with headaches, croupy voices, and extreme fatigue. They wanted nothing more than to curl up on the sofa under a blanket, stare out the window, and become invisible.

Viruses and hormones - mothers' enemies. Throughout the fall I was on a stable emotional course thanks to expensive, out-of-pocket hormone and nutritional therapy. Every stressor felt like water on a duck's back. It was bliss. Really - I felt like I could handle about anything. Trouble is, the doctor required expensive retesting every three months.

With a tight budget this year this health luxury succumbed to the financial chopping block. The doctor canceled my prescriptions when I didn't come back for re-testing. Thus, I am back to being my old, crabby, exhausted, impatient self. The last thing I have been motivated to do is to get out of bed, get downstairs before the kids, and be the loving, nurturing, cheerful mother I need to be to facilitate a successful homeschool. I still do it, or try to, but too often it does not go very well. Then I feel burned out, and I feel like quitting. And I don't mean just homeschooling. I mean going on a year-long retreat or at least holing up in my bedroom for a week. (I could swear Rachel@findingjoy is telepathic - if you ever feel like quitting, click this link to read her post).

The hardest thing, for me, about slipping into these bouts of melancholy is the feeling of helplessness that invariably accompanies it. When you are falling into a deep dark pit, it takes another person to help you out. I mean, there you are at the bottom looking up (or down), and your mind is running through the lists of ideas you have read in blogs and books: pray, call a friend, exercise, hire help, put on upbeat music and dance, etc. But unless you have someone in your life who knows you well enough to recognize the signs and tell you in a commanding voice what you need to do right now, chances are you are left waiting for the dark clouds to pass.

What doesn't help {me}? The suggestion that Satan is targeting me. Even if it's true, it leaves me feeling like an untouchable spiritual leper who needs to call an exorcist instead of a friend or physician. In my experience, the blues are almost always caused by something physical rather than spiritual. (I realize that physically, I don't look delicate - but I feel weaker physically than I do emotionally or spiritually) However, just as Christ can accomplish spiritual works through physical means, I suppose Satan can too. If your achilles heel is physical, he can find that opening and wreak havok on your emotional and spiritual well being.

These are a few things that do help {me} - because having options is empowering -

When the south side of the house is flooded with light, I don my winter gear and go outside. My kids watch me with curiosity through the window, just standing in the snow with the sunlight on my face, sometimes taking photos of skeletal trees and snowy pine branches -

If the wind is not too strong, I walk around the block.

I have a light therapy box on my wish list - checking with insurance first in case it's covered.

I can and do light candles, and always find that 100% beeswax agrees with my eyes, nose, and throat better than any other.

I can resume regular, over-the-counter progesterone cream.

I can cut down on sugar and carbs, and focus on protein and ample liquids (herbal tea, water).

I can turn on uplifting music. Sometimes, even the classical station plays depressing stuff and I have to turn it off.

I can order Adren-All from Amazon. I am taking that again.

I can find an in-network physician who is willing to prescribe the thyroid meds I had been taking.

I can accept that my body will have different needs in my 40s.

I can pay more attention to signs of illness, and discern these from depression. Sometimes they feel the same.

I can call my sister, because she usually answers the phone and has a cheerful spirit.

I can invite a friend to meet me at a coffee shop while my daughter is in ballet.

I can temporarily unsubscribe from blogs that leave me feeling like an inferior, lazy, uncreative slug. (I hope mine is not one of them)

I can send notes of encouragement to other moms and realize I am not alone.

I can insist that all the older kids go outside at the same time while the little one is napping so I get a small chunk of peace and quiet.

I can send in applications to charter schools if that makes me feel better.

I can dream up a new school routine for next year.

I can let my husband know that I need "introvert time" and thank him for covering for me.

I can pray and ask God to be strong where I am weak, patient where I am not.

I can listen to this song and try to find more like it.

I can replace old make-up and learn some application tips that would help me look less tired. (Pixi is a new favorite)

I can choose to relax and give myself and my family grace. Grace to make mistakes, to have bad habits, to break things, to make messes, to be sick, to be thoughtless, to be in a bad mood, to be demanding, to not have characteristics I expect them to have. Not that I will ever give up training/disciplining them, but I can try with all my might not to take it personally or flip out. I need perspective in order not to see their mistakes as my failures.

Most of all, I can appreciate the good days and try to figure out what went right. Last week we had two good days in a row! Must build on that momentum!

Some things I could do, but don't -

Exercise. I started after the new year - really I did. I logged in two whole mornings of Walk Away the Pounds before the midnight illness began working it's way through the family. {January is really not the best time to begin an early morning exercise program} I foresee a family membership to the Y in our future.

I could light some candles and take a bath, but haven't. I'd need to clean the tub first.

I could call a friend, but I usually find that moms are too busy or tired to talk on the phone.

I could spend time praying in an adoration chapel.

I could re-institute a Quiet Time hour, but have not done that either.

I could ditch our current curriculum and activity schedule this year, but I know I won't. Even if it feels like a prison sentence. We are halfway through - yeah!

I could ditch the afternoon schedule and let my kids watch a movie instead, but I don't do that either.

I could buy fresh flowers, but these only aggravate my allergies.  

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I don't usually read Pioneer Woman, but was visiting the other day perusing the photography section and noticed how her Miz Booshay signs off with "Encourage one another". This motto has been running through my head ever since. I wonder if she would mind if I borrowed it?

Encourage one another!

Tracy