Pinewood Castle

and the flag was still there

One night last week, around midnight, I was convinced a man-hunt was taking place in our neighborhood. Drifting in and out of sleep, I heard sirens, gunshots, and the hum of something - a helicopter? Just as I was about to nudge Joe and request that he investigate, the phone rang. It was our next door neighbor calling with the news that a house across the park was on fire.

Sure enough, we pulled back the curtains to see an orange glow and massive clouds of smoke blowing across the 12 acre park that is the hub of our neighborhood. Because we are outside of the city limits and without fire hydrants, water trucks were zipping up and down our street delivering water to a make-shift pool that the pumper trucks used to put out the fire. Five fire departments and the DNR somehow kept the flames from spreading to nearby homes as well as the park. A video we saw the next day showed that the house was a gigantic fireball by the time help arrived.

The home was a total loss, but fortunately the family got out safely. The smoke was so thick and the night so windy that we stayed inside, out of the firefighters' way, and prayed for the neighbors. We also prayed that our smoke alarms would not go off.

When disaster strikes so close to home I am haunted by the "what-if's". What if our house caught on fire? Would the kids remember what to do? If the stairway was blocked, could they find the fire safety ladders in the closet under the American Girl dolls? Would they know how to pop the screen and drop down the ladder? Who would get the little ones?

Then I think about every single thing we own going up in smoke and waking the next day with nothing. No contacts, no toothbrush, no clothes, no favorite coffee mug. No books! How would I ever replace all our books? Fortunately most things are just things and can be replaced, but what about the things that can't? Makes you want to put all your treasured photos and mementos in a big fire-safe box, or convert everything to digital to keep in a cloud.

Today I was reading about Alexander the Great, about how he requested that his hands dangle out of his coffin to remind people that he came into the world with nothing and left with nothing. Only the intangible passes with you: love, knowledge, wisdom, virtue, faith, honor.

The loss of this home leaves a hole the landscape of our neighborhood and a hole in our hearts, but the neighborhood is ready and waiting to pitch in and help out. Generosity will help fill the holes.

Jumping Higher than the Box

Standardized testing in February comes at the perfect time. You feel blah with cold, cloudy days. You might be halfway through the curriculum and outside activities you began, and the second half feels a bit like a prison sentence. I find this the perfect excuse to take a mid-winter break from school and take the week off.

{Do you know what "a week off" means for a homeschooler? Let me tell you . . . last week at least one member of our family visited the doctor, dentist, dermatologist, and the orthodontist. The kitties went to the veterinarian for booster shots. We also went to the U of M Bell Museum of Natural History, CTC's Pinocchio, the Sky Zone, Stations of the Cross, The Works, and a harp recital.}

Anyway . . . testing. If you homeschool (or have your kids in school), you know that nagging doubt about the progress they may or may not be making. Homeschoolers are prone to wondering if our children would be better off in school. We wonder if our children would thrive by developing close relationships with peers, learning from passionate teachers, and taking advantage of extra-curriculars: drama, band, Lego robotics club, sports, debate, chess club. Our children would have so many choices!

You know your home with little kids running around is detrimental to the educational atmosphere and daily rhythm you are striving to create. You wonder how your kids could possibly be learning anything with the constant interruptions. Worst of all, you worry about what damage is being done every time your kids see you lose your patience or struggle to keep your head above seasonal depression. They notice when you sneak into the pantry to raid your stash of dark chocolate and pretend not to notice if you imbibe in a glass of wine at the end of the day as you cook dinner.

Come February, that standardized testing appointment stares back at you from your the pages of your planner. You panic a bit, because you know the kids aren't "ready". One child does not start decimals until next week in Teaching Textbooks, and you haven't yet reviewed the ti/ci/si sounds in phonics and spelling in Logic of English. You know there will be questions to which they don't know the answer and you wonder how it will affect their confidence. You ease the pressure by telling them it's not really a test to see how well they are doing, but how well mommy is doing teaching them.

Nevertheless, your kids are excited to hear "Mr. Peabody" ring the doorbell. The first child gets settled at the table and the test begins. You station yourself nearby and eavesdrop, wondering why in the world your child does not know what a normal body temperature is (did they not have any fevers this year, or were they too delirious to pay attention to their temperature?), that the molecular structure of water is H2O, why you feel cooler in light colored clothing, or who painted the Mona Lisa. Then you think of all the things your kids do know, and are not on the test, but you still chastise yourself for neglecting these various and vital bits of information.

Each child has a turn with the tester, displaying their own strengths and weaknesses. Scores are tallied, payment is made, and that "grain of salt" conversation takes place between you and Mr. Peabody. The kids reemerge, eager to see their scores. Do you let them?

Well, I let them, but a few hours later I wished I had not. What do these annual scores really mean to me, to them, to their educational future, to their everlasting soul? I suddenly find I have a lot of interpreting to do. What do grade levels mean? Percentiles? Why does our educational system draw lines, form the lines into boxes, and try to make everyone fit in that box?

In Minnesota we homeschoolers are required by law to administer a standardized test, but are not required to report the score. What you do with the scores is up to you. The scores can signal gaps, learning disabilities, or just different educational priorities. What makes a certain set of information "standard", and do you teach to this standard? Isn't that why we homeschool, so we don't have to teach to the test?

Educational standards may have drawbacks, but I don't believe they are evil or unnecessary. I want my children to know what their normal body temperature is and who painted the Mona Lisa. Standard information can serve the purpose of being something to aim for, but should not be the only thing you aim for. I don't really have a problem with standards, I just have a problem with institutional regulations of requiring a particular set of information to be mastered at a particular age.

To me, standards are the base of a trampoline - the black mat on which to stand. But what are the springs? Springs may be found in outside activities or more home-based projects, in hands-on learning or reading books, in computer-based presentations or traditional texts, in child-led learning or scope & sequence planning. Whatever works for you and your child. I think we all agree that standards are the mat, but kids thrive with springs that enable them to jump from that base.

Fortunately/unfortunately my kids have always scored well on the Peabody test; at grade level, or even up to six grades above grade level in some areas. They see their scores and think, "Whooo-hooo! We can take two (+) years off from school!" I see their scores and feel justified to ask for a raise and a bonus. Measurable results beg for measurable rewards.

So, how did we celebrate? I found a half price deal and took them to the Sky Zone for the first time ever. I ordered myself an Emma Bridgewater mug and Susan Branch's new book. We felt entitled to celebrate. We jumped higher than the box.

But - (and I am tempted to end this post right here and delete the whole second half) - what comes from comparing? Is comparison is the death of contentment? Or does comparison help you strive for excellence? Does success make students and teachers complacent, or inspire them to continue?

I think it can do both. What you do with the scores is up to you. You can let test scores make you feel discouraged or encouraged. You can let them shape your curriculum and fill gaps, or disregard them completely. You can take them as a sign your kids need some extra help, or lighten up the schedule so they have more time to enjoy being a kid. 

Compulsory, government designed and mandated education might be something relatively new, but schools are not. The Catholic Church has a long tradition of education and formal schooling, and I tend to trust she has good reasons for this. In fact, skimming over a lengthy entry on education at New Advent, this passage caught my attention:

Considering the nature of the child-mind, the whole curriculum of the school is best presented when it is organized and unified, not fragmented and disconnected.

Organized and unified! I will have to read this article more carefully! I have heard countless talks and conversations about child-led learning and the ability of kids to piece together, over time, a smattering of information presented out-of-order. Sounds tempting.

Now that we have completed the annual testing, my thoughts turn towards our 8th year of homeschooling. Have we been too stringent? Too loose? How can we be more organized and unified with children who will be age 3 - 13? How can I re-vamp our schedule, prune away redundancies, design a rhythm that is less rushed, and continue to find the "springs" in our homeschooling journey?

I have to continue to explore options that work for me, to find my springs. What I am realizing is that the spark of enthusiasm has to come from me - I have to stay motivated to learn and experience joy in the journey. I have to be more than a list maker and box checker. We need to have more fun together. I want to get my kids back together for the mother of all subjects: history. And six of us need more exercise. But more on that later . . .

While it's too early to decide on all the details of our fall curriculum, it's not too early to start thinking about our choices, because each year we homeschool I get stretched further than I ever thought possible and I have to make room for growth. Homeschooling continually stretches me, every step of the way, each passing year, in every area.

So, the insight I have to share with you this week is this: don't just jump into the box, or even out of the box - jump higher than the box!

Yard by yard it's very hard, but inch by inch, it's a cinch.

The curtains have closed on 2012 and opened for the next act: 2013. What will the new year bring? Will they be the result of planning, goal setting, and dreaming big? Some accomplishments might be made by leaps and bounds, but for most of us, being faithful to our daily routines is the best way to make progress.

Does the focus on physical and financial fitness at the dawn of a new year lead you measure your own success by these standards?

Or do you focus on the spiritual, observing the effects that a peaceful relationship with God has on your weight and finances?

Am I enough? Do I matter? Am I loved? Do I have enough? Do I love well? Do I move my body? What moves my soul? Am I stuck? How do I escape from pain and loneliness? Where do I find solace and peace, or just relief? Are my escapes nourishing or destructive? What are my blind spots? Just a few of the questions we ask ourselves at the turn of the year.

The desire to strive for holiness, to make noble sacrifices and accept suffering, to do God's will, and to put ourselves last too often collides with gracefully handling our own faults and the faults of others, enjoying the beauty God generously provides, nourishing our own bodies and souls, experiencing wholesome pleasures in a balanced way, and fostering our hopes and desires.

 

Do we beat ourselves up, despair at our own inability to improve, look at others with a critical eye, operate in uptight mode, and come across to harshly as we try to provide better formation for our own children? Or do we give ourselves and others grace, take each day at a time, and make the effort to find joy in our daily life? How do others interpret us - exacting, critical, austere, self-absorbed? Loving, graceful, full of joy, generous?

 

And how do we even learn about others when faces are turned toward The Screen?

More and more, we hide behind The Screen. Everywhere - in public waiting areas, football games on TV during holiday gatherings, at stoplights, check-out aisles, while riding a bike, at the dinner table, in the bathroom, mowing the lawn -  whenever the urge strikes or a question begs to be answered. Even if all the beeps and alerts are turned off, we crave the stimulation.

Conversation is sometimes like walking on eggshells, people are opinionated and divided and sometimes it's just too much to risk disagreement. Meaningful conversations are becoming absent, being present to others is a lost art, shallowness kills the soul and opens they way for despair or anger to set in.

 

How do we find the delicate balance between time on-line and time face-to-face with others? How to we strike a balance between freedom and healthy discipline? Floss, exercise, budget, cook, clean, organize, practice, learn, read, knit, work, communicate, pray. 

 

How do the guardrails of God's laws make us feel about staying within them? Confined? Secure? How do we balance our time with The Screens in our lives and time spent in meaningful work, or time face to face with our family and friends, and creative activities? Finding this balance keeps our souls alive and fosters the virtues of hope, faith, and love, so vital to the life of the soul.

The new year is a time to reflect on the blessings of the past year, to see where we have been, to create a vision of where we hope to go. We re-evaluate, tighten our belts, plan for success, set goals - and also dream. With perseverance, our dreams just may come true.

 Our dreams may hinge on money to fund them, discipline to achieve them, or the grace and blessing of God to allow them. So we set a budget, we set our regimens, we pray for discernment of God's will.

What are your goals? What are your dreams? How do you discern your dreams with God's will for you? How are going to strike a balance this year? What is possible for you and your family this year that was not possible before?

May a balance of discipline, prayer, grace, passion, and joy bring about desired changes in your life this new year!

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I am come that they may have life, and may have it more abundantly.

John 10:10

This Really "Rang a Bell" with Me

I saw this on Michelle's blog and want to pass it along to you:

Carlo Carretto, a leading spiritual writer of the past half-century, was a hermit in the Sahara desert for more than a dozen years. Alone, with only the Blessed Sacrament for company, milking a goat for food, and translating the Bible into the local Bedouin language, he prayed for long hours by himself. Returning to Italy to visit his mother, he came to a startling realization: His mother, who for more than 30 years had been so busy raising a family that she scarcely ever had a private minute, was more contemplative than he was.

Carretto drew the right lesson. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with what he’d been doing as a hermit. Rather, there was something wonderfully right about what his mother had been doing as she lived the interrupted life amidst the noise and incessant demands of small children. He had been in a monastery, but so had she.

A monastery is not so much a place set apart for monks and nuns as it is a place set apart (period). It is a place to learn the value of powerlessness and to learn that time is not ours, but God’s.

Our home and duties can, like a monastery, teach us that. John of the Cross once described the inner essence of monasticism this way: “But they, O my God and my life, will see and experience your mild touch, who withdraw from the world and become mild, bringing the mild into harmony with the mild, thus enabling themselves to experience and enjoy you.” John suggests that two elements make for a monastery: withdrawal from the world and bringing oneself into harmony with the mild.

Certain vocations offer the same opportunity for contemplation. For example, the mother who stays home with small children experiences a real withdrawal form the world. Her existence is monastic. Her tasks and preoccupations remove her from the centers of power and social importance. And she feels it. Moreover her sustained contact with young children (the mildest of the mild) gives her a privileged opportunity to be in harmony with the mild, to attune herself to the powerlessness rather than to the powerful.

The demands of young children also provide her with what St. Bernard, one of the great architects of monasticism, called the “monastic bell.” Bernard told his monks that whenever the monastic bell rang, they were to drop whatever they were doing and go immediately to the activity (prayer, meals, work, study, sleep) to which the bell was summoning them. He was adamant that they respond immediately: If they were writing a letter they were to stop in mid-sentence when the bell rang. When the bell called you to the next task, you were to respond immediately, not because you want to, but because it’s time for that task and time isn’t your time, it’s God’s time. For him, the monastic bell was a discipline to stretch the heart by taking you beyond your own agenda to God’s agenda.

Hence, a mother raising children, perhaps in a more privileged way even than a professional contemplative, is forced, almost against her will, to constantly stretch her heart. For years, while raising children, her time is never her own, her own needs have to be kept in second place, and every time she turns around a hand is reaching out and demanding something. She hears the monastic bell many times a day and she has to drop things in mid-sentence and respond, not because she wants to, but because it’s time for that activity and time isn’t her time, but God’s time. The rest of us experience the monastic bell when our alarm clock rings and we get out of bed and ready ourselves for the day, not because we want to, but because it’s time.

The principles of monasticism are time-tested, saint-sanctioned, and altogether – trustworthy. But there are different kinds of monasteries, different ways of putting ourselves into harmony with the mild, and different kinds of monastic bells. Response to duty can be monastic prayer, a needy hand can be a monastic bell, and working without status and power can constitute a withdrawal into a monastery where God can meet us. The domestic can be the monastic.

Father Ron Rolheiser

I Think I'll Be Okay

I think I am settling into a state of acceptance about turning forty. I appreciated reading each and every one of your comments and birthday wishes and your words are still tumbling in my thoughts:

Grab and hang on for a wonderful ride. The 40's are some of the best years yet.

At each milestone birthday I have always been a little down, I guess it is because of getting older, my kids getting older, time going by so fast, etc. And I look back now and say to myself. "Thirty wasn't old!! I looked great!! blah, blah, blah". I decided I am not going to do that anymore. Because I know when I am fifty I will look back and say "you know forty wasn't so bad"!!

Thank you for your birthday post. It really touched me and I cried because I could really identify with the making peace aspect of my vocation of hidden and small and what I have gained and lost as a result to committing to that.

And especially this one . . .

I had to accept that you (or at least I) don't have that turning point of "being" grown up. Actually I've been grown up for quite a while now (now 43), but I just didn't recognize it. I guess I thought really being grown up would feel so different or that I'd have it all pulled together. Not so much! That was growing up in many ways -- realizing that there is no such single turning point! As a woman, as a wife and mother, it's a continual process and I do the best I can and keep going!

Maturity and wisdom is a process, not an event! Aha! Come to think of it, I have learned a thing or two over the years, some practical and maybe a teensy tiny bit about virtue. I hope at least a little wisdom has taken root for the sake of my children and my immortal soul.

Still, I wish I could go back in time and tell the young mother I once was a thing or two that would make the journey of motherhood a little easier.

Here is the oldest photo I have of myself stored on Picassa:

 

Here is my advice to her (and I do mean this advice for myself, not necessarily anyone else!):

• Relax! Enjoy these days before school begins. Enjoy grocery shopping on weekday mornings. Cuddle your babies as long as possible every morning. Make more friends and spend time with them.
• Read and craft as much as possible before your days are too busy with homeschooling.
• It's not too early to establish daily and weekly routines of cleaning, shopping, cooking and laundry.
• When you first pick out a baby car seat, get both the double and single stroller to go with it. You will use both.
• Get enough sleep. Go to bed when the baby does and don't worry about getting things done at night.
• Just keep you hair long while you are young and slender enough to get away with it.
• Whichever discipline method you choose to use, please realize that it won't work. At least not as fast or as effectively as you want it to. Use one anyway, because children need boundaries - it makes them feel safe. Children are wired to misbehave and test those boundaries constantly, so don't take this personally. Just carry out your job of law enforcement with as much love as possible and over time (years) you will end up with reasonably well-mannered and well-behaved children.
• You have made a lot of choices regarding pregnancy, labor & delivery, newborn care and education. Even though you feel strongly about the choices you made, try not to judge others for choosing differently. 
• Also realize that you are not cut from the same cloth as your in-laws. Don't hold them to your standards.
• Insist on Quiet Time after your children outgrow naps. This is more for yourself than for them!
• Try to compliment your husband before he has a chance to brag on himself.
• Show ample gratitude for anything your in-laws help you with or give to you.
• Keep trying to spend at least five minutes alone with your husband every day. Five minutes does not sound like a long time early in marriage but later it is a crucial amount of time.
• Keep track of the gifts you send to friends and family. That way you won't have to ask them every year what you got them for their birthday the previous year.
• Buy quality = buy once. Usually. But remember that your kids don't need everything in the Magic Cabin and Nova catalogs. You will need a bigger house if you do this, just for the toys.
• If you get a bigger house, kids and toys will still be underfoot, no matter how big. And even if you get a house with three toilets, the kids will still want to use the same toilet at the same time. 
• However, if you get a bigger house, pay attention to room dimensions. A 13 x 13 family room might seem bigger than what you are used to, but it will feel mighty crowded with five kids and a Christmas tree, not to mention gifts and wrapping paper everywhere and a hot fire in the fireplace you can't get too close to.
• God has a wonderful plan for you. Pray, listen and obey. But if your husband is not supportive, don't do it. Stay aboard the same boat as much as possible.

I could go on and on, but I won't lecture myself too much here. Somewhere else, maybe. That's all for now. I am retiring my forty year old self for the night. Blessings to all of you reading!

 

White Flour & Butter

Last week the three older children attended a day camp through our parks & rec department. This was the perfect opportunity in my mind to see what my day might be like if we weren't a homeschooling family. I envisioned a relaxing day with the littles, going on a walk to the park and going through the day without my head spinning in five different directions and answering to "mom" every two minutes. I dream of a life like this at least every three or four months, don't you?  I imagine that I could get a gym membership and use the days my kids are in school to lose the baby weight and get fit again. I announce to my husband that I've had it with homeschooling and that starting Monday the kids are getting on that school bus and I am going to regain my sanity as well as my health. This never happens, of course, because by Monday I am ready to tweak my approach and give it another go.

So what was the day like with the littles? Honestly, we went through a lot of white flour and butter. It was a rainy day so we stayed indoors and made play dough - two different kinds. One chocolate and one white with lavender oil and glitter mixed in. Lots of white flour there. We made snicker doodles. My 3yo loved rolling the balls of dough in cinnamon and sugar while I bounced the baby to sleep in the sling - lots of white flour and butter. My little girl requested macaroni and cheese for lunch which required even more butter. Nap time finally arrived and fortunately the Little Prince's nap coincided with the Princess's. I took a short nap too and we all woke up just in time to pick up the kids.

Even though I didn't feel quite so overwhelmed that day I felt just as busy. Very busy - and without the help of the older kids and the little bit of intellectual stimulation that comes with homeschooling. My preschooler relished in all the attention mommy was able to pay her that day and I resolved to carve out more time for my little one and quit farming her out so much to my husband and older children - a habit I developed almost a year ago to cope with pregnancy ills. I brought up books from storage just for her and cleared a shelf for them with her name on it. I've been taking the time to read to her before naps and bedtime and enjoy the way she cuddles up to me. She has missed me and I have missed her. I will make more playdough and cookies and even macaroni and cheese even if we have to use more white flour and butter and even if it takes me longer to lose the baby weight. She's worth it, she's only three once.

More On Resolutions

How do you resist making resolutions for the rest of your family? Or do you do it anyway?

We opened our time capsule on New Year's Eve and as we read through the children's resolutions from last year I was flooded with guilt about not help them achieve their goals. But then again, maybe they have to learn to really work for want they want out of life.

No, no, of course we have to help them, at least with the formation of the habits. Bigger goals they have to dream up themselves, but we mothers can help with the daily things, right? Even though it's no longer Advent and not yet Lent I put slips of paper in a silver pail for them to draw each morning. I figured it would be easier for them to have one goal each day such as:

• turn off the bathroom light today
• clear plate before leaving the table today
• sit with good posture today
• use your very best handwriting today
• chew with your mouth closed today
• stick to your schedule today
• be the first one in the van if we are going somewhere today
• flush the toilet after you use it today
• begin requests with "May I please . . . ?"
• pray for our family today
• pray for extra help to do your best
• go potty before leaving the house without being asked
• put your dirty socks in the hamper
• put your dirty underwear in the hamper

But what about husbands? Mine is unusually stellar. He replaces the toilet paper roll the correct way and puts dirty clothes in the hamper. He makes coffee every morning and breakfast while he's at it. We have separate tubes of toothpaste. He takes out the trash, pays the bills, changes poopy diapers and most nights he does the dishes. But why in the world doesn't he button his shirts when he hangs them on a hanger? Why wouldn't he put diaper cream on the toddler's bottom before bedtime if she has a rash? Why does he forget things I asked him to do and make  the excuse that it went into his "nothing box"? Why does he like to lie in bed as long as possible every morning? I joke with him, "Laziness is a sin you know." His reply, "Laziness isn't a sin if it's done in moderation!"

He can be so exasperating.

I try, I really try and still try not to make to-do lists for him anymore. Many wives think this is a demeaning practice and a way we tend to treat husbands like a children. When we got iPhones I gathered all the paper to-do lists I had made, placed them on his desk and told them he could make his own to-do list on his phone and be in charge of it from now on. This was in October. You guessed it - all those lists are still sitting on his desk and I still formulate a to-do list at least one Saturday a month.

(If you are reading this, honey, you know I love you anyway! We both know we have more serious issues to work on!)

I am absolutely positive he tolerates many more of my flaws then I do of his. He just has the good sense not to nag me about them.

I have been reflecting more on my Bucket List and truly appreciate your comments cheering me on. It edifies me to know that others think I have some good ideas. I just have to tell you though, that you are welcome to beat me to the punch with any of them! I would love to see things like a Mary Garden in a packet or an Aesop Unit study available for purchase. I am not convinced that God is telling me that I am the person to do it. I think I could if I had the time. Maybe someday I will, but it sure doesn't look like it will be in the near future.

Another email arrived that seemed to speak directly to me and my goals from Proverbs 31 Ministries:

Recently God's been showing me that when I constantly want more than He has given me, it reflects a heart that is discontent. What I'm saying to God is, "I'm not satisfied with what You have provided for me. I want more." In wanting more, I place undo pressure on myself in an attempt to get what God hasn't provided. Naturally, anxiety is the result when I focus on things other than God and His will for my life.

I think that for me, this applies to both material desires as well as the time and money for travel, experiences and projects. God has provided so much for me - a wonderful husband, beautiful children, a comfortable home, a beautiful yard and the calling and ability to home school.

I have to admit that there are times when I want to do "so much more", whether it be the things on my Bucket List or just the half a dozen craft projects I would like to do (and thought I would have time to do over the break but didn't). Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and disappointed about not having time for these things I feel like crying.

Even though my goals and dreams have their place I have to remember what place they should hold. Right now I need to focus on what God provides for me this year, this month, this week, this hour. I hold a conviction that there is nothing more important than doing what I do as a mother and wife day in and day out. Everything I do is a creative project on a large scale and blogging is one way of turning all my efforts into something beautiful and a little more tangible to share with the world. A second income and financial security, utilizing my graduate degree, travel, ample time for my own interests; all of this can wait until the time is right. God has lessons for me in the here and now - like serving my family cheerfully and promptly. Is is any wonder that the the lack of cheerfulness and promptness is my children is what irks me the most lately? Where in the world do they learn it? From me of course! I am often reluctant to stop what I am doing to help one of my children. I have a difficult time getting out of bed and getting ready before they wake up. The constant demands of our two year old too often cause me to sigh, roll my eyes and ask another child to take care of her. Cheerful service is a virtue that really should be first on my 2010 resolution list.

Hopefully I can indulge in what Charlotte Mason would call "Mother Culture" along the way. And I do - I try to carve out some time for myself and my dreams. I have to keep my soul alive. I am reminded of a junior high school history teacher (Coach Dugan?) who posted inspirational quotes all over his walls. 

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
~ Langston Hughes

as well as

The greatest kind of pride is that pride that makes you do your best even when no one is watching.

I think I have three lessons for 2010 - to do my best in my little somewhat hidden life, even when no one is watching (i.e. even if I didn't blog!), to hold fast to my dreams -  to continue to be inspired by goals I may may never accomplish, and to be content and satisfied with the time and experiences God provides for me.

Realism for 2010

Like I said, I wish I could begin my Bucket List this year, but with a baby on the way I will be fortunate to maintain any amount of order or organization I have fought so hard to attain the last ten years. Here's what my Bucket List contains thus far:

• Take English country dance at the Tapestry Folkdance Center.
• Learn calligraphy really well, illumination and all.
• Get a really good camera and learn how to use it.
• Learn to knit more than just scarves.
• Buy equipment, learn to camp and take kids to state and national parks.
• Find another family to camp with.
• Learn a foreign language well and attend a camp at Concordia Language Village.
• Visit Paris, Canada, England, New England and Hawaii.
• Pick up genealogy study where my late aunt left off and visit Poland to dig for more info about the Von F's.
• Design and market Mary Garden seed packets and plans.
• Write a unit study based on Aesop Fables including virtues with scripture quotes and animal arts and crafts.
• Have the time and money to go to a gym every morning and finally get and stay in great shape. Or take a long walk every day somewhere beautiful.
• Learn to ski and snowmobile while I am up here in the great white north. I have no desire to try ice fishing, however!
• Take up the clarinet again and play chamber music to my heart's content.
• Live in a 100 year old house with a big front porch, wavy glass windows, lace curtains, tall baseboards and an attic for the grandkids to explore. But first I want to build a big new house with plenty of FSF and a big main level home school room to get through the rest of our child rearing years. I have a builder in mind who would make it look old.

Ambitious for a homeschooling mom, aren't I?

My 2010 list realistically includes normal things like:

• Nose to the homeschooling grindstone for the next three months.
• Have the baby end of March or early April.
• April: Babymoon for a few weeks. Savor every minute of it!
• May: Baptism and Sunshine's FHC. Oklahoma relatives will probably visit. Register only one child in soccer this year.
• June: Finish school. Start summer activities for kids. Swimming lessons. Tennis for the girls. Maybe golf for the boy? Horse class this summer?
• July: Order curriculum for next year. Continue summer activities. Take a vacation if at all possible.
• August: Get to the lake or pool while it's hot.
• September: Back to school, nose to the grindstone, etc.

As far as any personal improvement? It will be all little things like:

• get up on time and beg God for help every morning before leaving my room
• turn off lights not in use
• improve afternoon stamina
• shut big mouth
• don't sweat the small stuff
• it's not all small stuff (like, to me, training children in good habits is not small stuff), but quit over-reacting when it is
• love my kids, they are growing up fast
• develop photos more than twice a year
• learn to utilize iPhone, especially for podcasts
• grow out hair, again
• bake more home made bread
• put away clothes before they wrinkle
• save up for a new sofa
• keep trying, don't give into despair, God is not out to get me
• trust God still know what He is doing with me and my life
• quit blogging when the clock chimes 10 pm!!!

Bye! Good night!

The "I Wants"

Do your kids make Christmas lists? Mine have started early this year. We don't spring for many requests between birthdays and Christmas so everything they ask for after their birthday garners the response, "Put it on your Christmas list!"

Their tastes are getting more expensive. Here are some of this year's wishes:

• a hang glider (yeah, right)
• a trampoline (more likely, but not in winter!)
• an American Girl doll (do we have to start that?)
• a rock tumbler (more likely)

Then the Young Explorers catalog arrived and was promptly swiped. The cutting and pasting began. The "I Wants" are like a mosquito bite that itches the more it's scratched. I find myself feeling annoyed the more they talk about their wish lists. I remind them that they are loved, fed, clothed, educated and well cared for - isn't that all they really need? Aren't they grateful?

But - I find that the "I Wants" are also contagious. Their dreaming even gets me thinking about things that would be nice to have if we had thousands of extra dollars. List-maker that I am I do confess to keeping mental lists. Here are a few several  ~

Things for DH:

• a snow thrower (have you seen how much these cost?)
• a garage make-over
• a pressure washer
• a riding lawn mower (except we have no where to put it)
• a generator
• hire out window washing
• hire out some interior painting
• a new car to replace his '96 Accord

The home improvement wish list:

• a new sofa (daily reading time has reduced the life of ours)
• granite counter tops
• ceramic tile the bathrooms
• a deck
• finish the basement
• re-do the flagstone patio that is constantly dirty and weedy and uneven
• re-do some of the garden beds and add a tall white lattice fence behind the east garden to block the view of our neighbor's weeds

The SAHM self-care dream items:

• new maternity clothes (mine are almost all 10 years old!)
• a spa package of regular pedicures, facials, and massages
• quality facial care products now that 40 is coming (next year)
• a professional weight loss program next summer after baby #5
• some new jewelry
• a gym membership and time to exercise

Financial "I Wants" should really come first before all the material wants. Achieving these goals would even free up a chunk of the monthly budget for a few extras:

• pay off my grad school loan
• pay off the van

Nothing urgent, just things that would be nice. Hopefully this is a little sign of detachment, right? My happiness does not depend on getting any of these items. Only a few eat at me a little - like the sagging sofa, dirty windows and the dark den on the north side of the house that could use a brighter hue of paint before daylight savings ends. But mostly, thanks to an abundance of progesterone these days, I am way too tired to get worked up about it!

I also try to avoid voicing these "I Wants" around the children because I don't want to set a bad example. Hopefully I am not the contagious one infecting the children!

Other needs always seem to come first before all the extras anyway - music lessons, winter clothing needs, fireplace cleaning, firewood purchasing and annual piano tuning are the biggies we currently face. Oh, and cell phones. Our Quest service is ending for good and we have to find another phone and another plan or be charged a de-activation fee. Looks like a somewhat necessary splurge (but not really necessary) will be made for I-Phones. Last year's version.

Each of us will probably get at least one thing we want this Christmas, all the time knowing that gifts are not what the Holy Day is really about. Christmas is about Jesus and while gift giving is one way of showing our love for one another, it is certainly not the focus.

The kids like to dream and so do I. I just have to remember a wise adage my mother taught me: If your outgo is more than your income, your upkeep will be your downfall!

Progress Report - Pregnancy

Since survival mode began several weeks ago I suddenly find my focus narrowed to the three things I feel I have to function well enough to do: feed myself and my family, cleaning and laundry routines and homeschooling. Cooking and eating has been difficult, but manageable. Cleaning is falling a bit behind - we are not starting the day early enough to get many chores done and still start school by 9:00. Homeschooling is definitely in session and we have completed the first three weeks of MODG. We are still struggling a bit to fit in both violin and piano practice four days a week and I hope this will get easier with time.

By about 5:00 when I am making dinner I find myself utterly exhausted and out of gas. I do try to eat something with protein in the afternoon but by the time DH arrives I am ready to crash. I have to force myself to eat (even though I'm starving) and promptly plop on the sofa or take myself to bed. I won't burden you with TMI about my pregnancy related digestive issues but I will just day that without Zofran I am on the sofa all day barely able to function but with Zofran I suffer an unpleasant side effect requiring a battery of OTCs.

Anyway.

Then there are the nights. The 2yo often cries out in the night, "Mommy-O! Daddy-O!" Then there are night like tonight when I am wakened by sirens going down the county road, followed by "Mommy-O! Daddy-O!", topped off by hunger pangs, a desire for a bowl of granola and a temptation to get up in the quiet of the night and blog. So here I am.

All this late-night wakefulness also lends itself to reflection on my part of the children and how the year is starting out for each of them. In my next few posts I plan to highlight each child and what they are up to. 

So stay tuned in. I'm not up to much these days, but can still blog about what God is helping me to accomplish even in the midst of mild suffering.

My Food for Thought Today

From Sally Clarkson's most recent post:

So many treat God as though He is an idea or thought to be understood--that the thinking of God is superior to everything else. However, it is the incarnation of God--God living in our flesh--living and breathing through everything we do, that makes Him real to our children.

If you want to build a value system and cultural values into a person, you can't just tell them what they are supposed to do--you have to model it--live it out. In other words, you can't just say, "Jesus said the most important thing we are supposed to do is to love one another," But if you want it to sink in, you have to spend focused time with the one you love and listen to them; give words of life and build them up; have fun, shared experiences with them; minister to them when they are sick or tired; appreciate their dreams; support them and forgive them when they have failed--then they do not just hear love as a word--but they experience love as a reality and capture in their own lives what it means to love.

Read the rest at I Take Joy